The Winds of Change

There has been a noticeable shift in the Earth’s core.  Oh, you didn’t notice it?  Hmmm, that’s strange.  It’s the only reasonable explanation that I imagine for the recent shift in my ex-husband’s behavior. [I really need to come up with a name for him in BlogLand.  Suggestions are welcome.]

Let’s call it a “shift” and not a “change” because change seems to indicate something permanent, and well, that is yet to be seen.  You see, my ex  EXCELS at unreliability.  We’ve come to count on it.  So his recent interest in keeping his boys during his decreed time has us baffled.

Well, I guess that’s not true.  Although we rely on his unreliability, this little burst of effort just signifies the new level in his relationship status.  We’ve seen it before.

Phase 1:   Disappearing Dad – During Phase 1, the ex puts his effort into impressing the new victim, I mean, girlfriend.  He comes up with a variety of excuses and promises to “trade” weekends.  When he is unable to come up with a ready excuse, the boys usually gladly provide one.

Phase 2:  SuperDad to the Rescue – During Phase 2, inevitably the girlfriend starts asking questions like, “Why do you live with your friend?”  or “Do you own ANY furniture?” or finally, “Wait, don’t you have kids?”  This is the phase that I dread.  He rents an apartment/house/room-with-a-more-legitimate-friend and spouts phrases like “I want to see my kids.  I miss them.”  Really?  Now?  But not the last 5 months?

During this phase, the boys joke about feeling like younger, male versions of The Trophy Wife.  They dress up and go to dinner with the new girl and meet her kids and play One Big Happy Family.

My youngest son also likes to make a good solid run at the titleholder of World Record for Repetitions of the phrase, “I don’t want to go to Dads.”  Similar to a toddler requesting a cookie, he will repeat this phrase until I am quite sure that my head will explode.

Phase 3:  Reality Strikes Back – Have I mentioned that my ex has a problem with alcohol and gambling? During Phase 3, those little pesky habits bubble to the surface.  The visitation becomes a bit more sporadic because the financial issues become more prevalent.  Then the eviction notice arrives and he is forced to move in with the idiot, I mean girlfriend.

Phase 4:  See Dick Try –  Moving in with the girlfriend and relying on her financially sparks a very short period of proving that he is the man of her dreams.  Obviously, that man has two handsome boys appropriately dressed in Abercrombie & Fitch to entertain her child/children.  (No he doesn’t actually buy them clothes.  He just requests that those outfits be included in the bag that I pack, instead of those comfy gym shorts those rebellious athletic kids are wearing these days.)

Phase 5:  The Bitter End – This last phase is usually the longest phase.  By now, he is in full Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde mode.  Visitation is sporadic, and alternates between SuperDad and Disappearing Dad.  The Superdad/One Big Happy Family weekend inevitably ends in a fight with the slightly wiser girlfriend. The boys usually get a front row seat for this event.  Eventually (but not soon enough), the girlfriend finally sheds her rose-colored glasses and possibly files for a protective order against him.

And that brings us back to Disappearing Dad while he goes in search of the next participant in the dramatic screenplay that is his life.

Sadly though, right now, we are just entering Phase 2 with his current future-ex.  Good times are being had by all appropriately dressed children.  Or not.


  1. Kelli Reyes says:

    Do you have any advice on how I can get my kids love back? I have tried being nice and letting them come when they wanted to okay, it’s time to be forceful and try demanding my time with them…..yet, nothing seemed to work. I ask them every couple of days to come over. The court set rule of every other week went well for awhile until my son broke his leg. It was easier to get around in his dad’s house than my apartment. I was also working two jobs to support myself and try to have extra money to get the things the kids wanted. That is what I struggle with. I cannot compete financially. I have had my own apartment and eventually have been able to furnish it. I started out with a twin bed, my son’s tv and entertainment center, a dresser, an end table and a rocker glider I found on the side of the road the night I moved out. Even though we had a house full of furniture, this is all he would let me take. Since, it was supposed to be a temporary separation, I didn’t put a a fight. I was hoping to be home soon. The biggest mistake I have ever made was not making my kids come live with me in the apartment. It was just down the road and I wanted to keep things as normal as possible for them….that was the hugest mistake and I will continue to pay for that for the rest of my life. I want to see and spend time with my kids. I try so hard not to give up and get to a point where I am begging them to please pencil me in. It’s sad that I have an ex that does not encourage the kids to spend time or respect me. Instead he fills their head up and makes it out that I am out living it up. While I cry every night and depression gets the best of me. Mind you….I did say the words, I need to separate because he kept pushing and pushing and pushing until I couldn’t stand it anymore. It was supposed to be a temporary separation for three months, that was the shortest lease I could find…it was at the top of my price range too…he actually went looking for apartments for me and took me down to sign the lease. I tried to stay but, he wouldn’t let me. He stalked me and made my life a living hell. Logging into my face book and yahoo account while I was logged in as me to see what and who I was talking to. Feeling the hood of my car saying I had been out all night, calling me as soon as I walked in the door from having dinner with one of my girlfriends….Did I mention my ex is a crazy, jealous and controlling man?? He has a lot of people fooled that he is Mr.Right and Super dad….he also had me served with divorce papers. They tried to serve me on my birthday two years ago and didn’t find me that day. They found me the next day at work, at the time I was working as a nanny…I had their preschooler with me and my mother in law…I had taken her out to lunch and she was over there with me while I switched out the clothes in the washer and dryer…talk about hard to hold it together. My life has been a living hell every since, I keep trying to rely on my faith to hold it together, it is so hard because I have lived my life for my kids; I have always been that work part time, stay at home mom because that is what my ex wanted. I was homeroom mom, highly involved in everything my kids did. I was the mom I never had. I gave my kids hugs and kisses everyday and night and made sure I always told them I loved them….now this. What did I do wrong? Other than stand up for myself against my ex and his controlling ways? No, there was no physical abuse but, there was a lot of emotional abuse. I don’t know how to fix all the things that have went wrong. He has turned them against me for what? Me standing up and being a strong enough woman to say that’s enough? I would give anything to have my kids in my life and want to spend time with me….. I am so sorry for rambling on. I am just at my wits end. It is so hard to read this particular story of how your ex sporadically spends time with your kids and I try my hardest to spend time with mine and they don’t want too…..My ex has them blaming me for the divorce. I did not believe in divorce. I did not ask for this. It breaks my heart. Everything I have ever known and believed in is shattered. It like humpty dumpty falling off the wall and I’m trying my best to glue myself back together again.

  2. How about Gabe – (Gambling Alcoholic Bum Ex).


  1. […] beginning of this relationship when my kids were both in middle school.  Because The Ex was in the phase of his relationship where he tries to prove that he is an awesome dad, he insisted on having his scheduled time, […]

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