I’ve Got a New Man

There is a new man in my life.  No, Mom, don’t get too excited.  He’s not a real man, he just plays one on tv.

Patrick Jane from The Mentalist.  Love.

Last night, after The Ex picked up the kids (several hours late), we moved from the “I don’t want to go to dad’s” Drama Series to the “Please help me” Text Marathon. I was in much need of a distraction, soI chose to watch Season I of The Mentalist. I was feeling very mental and it seemed appropriate.

Bravo to the writers for creating such an intelligent, creative, and easily amused character.  And Simon Baker, you are adorable in the role.  So where is my real life Patrick Jane? What corner is he hanging out on?  I’ll go pick him up.

Needless and sad to say, I have not been attached to anyone like Patrick Jane.  Let’s explore my history…

The 2-year serious relationship that I had before my husband was with an addict – gambling and drinking.  My husband of 13 years was an addict, also gambling and drinking.  Finally, the 2-year relationship after my husband was with an addict…ummmm, a sex addict.  (For some reason, that one is the most embarrassing to own.)

I’m no therapist, but I’m thinking that there’s some kind of pattern here.

So why is it that a smart girl can be so stupid when it comes to men?  My friends and I ponder that question often, and one particular pondering session over margaritas resulted in our “Red Flag” list.  I won’t publish the entire list (at least not yet), but I will give you some of the highlights.

  •  Drives a big truck with oversized tires and an after-market stereo/navigation system, complete with sub-woofer.  I realize that the truck might be a regional thing, but 2 of my 3 relationships were spent driving around in some version of this vehicle.  It simply states that appearance (not substance) is everything to this guy.
  • Dropped out of college.  Before people start throwing stones and thinking that I am a snob, I am not.  I have always believed that you make your own success.  There are many examples out there of guys that have achieved great success without a college degree.  The three geniuses that I chose were not any of those examples.  These guys can’t even put together a resume.  I should know.  I did it for them.  That should have been my first clue that they weren’t destined for greatness.
  • Can’t hold steady employment.  Did I mention that they weren’t destined for greatness?  Apparently, they weren’t destined for steady pay either.  Ladies with habitually unemployed mates, don’t hold out hope that they are just going through a “rough patch.”  The whole dang yard is dead and full of weeds.
  • Reminisces about the glory days of high school.  Let’s face it.  They obviously peaked in high school.  If I had dated them when I was 17, it might have been fun, but unless Michael J. Fox shows up with a time machine, there’s no going back,  and their participation in high school athletics no longer counts for anything.  Let it go.  What are you accomplishing NOW?
  • Describes a “good guy” as “someone that will drink a beer with you.”  I have a lot of descriptions of a “good guy” and beer drinker is definitely not on the list.  And if these words are spoken by the son of an alcoholic, you might want to peruse the AA website.  If it looks like an alcoholic duck, and quacks like an alcoholic duck, girlfriend, that duck is a drunk.
  • Doesn’t pay child support.  Duh.  I don’t care how good the guy treats you or your children.  If he isn’t willing to do the same for his kids, then he is a Deadbeat Dad.  Sadly, 2 of the 3 guys on my list are in this category.  The first guy doesn’t have kids, otherwise, I’m pretty sure it would be unanimous.

Gosh, I could go on and on.  Our list was actually pages long, ranging from the mundane, i.e. spends too much time playing Mafia Wars on Facebook, to the serious, i.e. no health insurance/life insurance/retirement.  Composing the list was quite therapeutic and fun, and I look back at the full list and laugh out loud.  I can’t believe that I stayed despite all of the warning signs.  I guess I should give up my dream of ever joining Mensa.  IQ means nothing without common sense.

So you won’t see much on this blog about dating since I, quite apparently, suck at it. Unless Patrick Jane or some other equally smart, happy, adorable, clever guy shows up at the ballpark or around my dining room table around homework time.

Comments

  1. I especially enjoyed this post. This list hits home for me. I could add on..

  2. I have a big time crush on Patrick Jane. Hotness wrapped in sexy dipped in snark. Yum!

  3. I would love to see the full list and wonder how many on it, apply to you? Do you spend to much time on Facebook? Who is the appointed judge to define “too much,” you? Do you have health insurance, a retirement plan? Do you have your degree? What if he has not been ordered to pay child support, should he do it anyway, because he is the MAN?
    My guess for the reason you keep picking the same guys. Is not their fault, but your own. So if you want to succeed in a relationship with a GOOD man, physician heal thyself. My guess is that you have rejected good men, based on “lack of chemistry.” And that the “losers” you chose, really turned you on physically!
    Yep, a womans shallow and superficial eyes, recipe for disaster. Picking guys with a MANS big truck! Maybe you need to re-evaluate what you definition of a MAN is, or what constitutes a good partner? But you will fall back into the trap of “great chemistry.” Just remember, tall, fit, good looking guys with big trucks. Have options too!

  4. I truly have to say this. If you can’t have “chemistry” and be attracted to a good, honest, faithful, hardworking, compassionate and sober, 5′ 8″ man? Then you are beyond help here!
    I think yours and most womens relationship problems. Can be directly traced to your preconceptions of the type of man you NEED. (in the physical sense) And rejecting much better qualified, TRUE partners in every sense of the word.

    • Jordan’s has a Napolian complex, short man syndrome. When your partner basically throws his or her life away after 13yrs to go drink and party it’s not the spouses fault. Had nothing to do with looks. As a man short or tall, big truck or compact car your expected to be the best man you can. Wedded or divorced. So keep it positive. Move on for something better with they be short or tall! This is brought to you by a Man who doesnt duck out on his responsibility.

      • First of all, it’s spelled Napolean. 2nd. I’m 5′ 11″, so I’m afraid that doesn’t apply to me. 3rd. I was commenting on this persons track record of having several failed relationships with basically the same physical specimen. The physical description of them is identical and she uses it to highlight men “red flags.”
        So it tells me that she chose them as partners intially based on looks. Because it is the “type” that she is physically attracted to. Thats very common and natural for human beings to do. And likewise natural to follow the same patterns, over and over again.

        My point being this. She now complains of them all being the same type of man intellectually, emotionally and mentally in regards to treatment of her. How does the age old saying go? The definition of insanity, is to do the same thing over and over, but expect a different result?
        Yet I’ve seen literally hundreds of women and men just like her. I’ve got real money thats says this. I bet she has met many men in her life. Good, solid, honest, dependable, handsome, partner worthy men. Yet has rejected them because of lack of “chemistry.” And a womans idea of chemistry are things as shallow as, height, body type, hair color, eye color, etc. And for women height is the biggest “deal breaker.”
        That is what I mean by saying 5′ 8″. Men rejected not because of their emotional “partner worthiness” but their stature. 5′ 8″ was a height in general, but there is a certain formula involved. Thru experience I can certainly tell you factually. With a few exceptions, most women 5′ 7″ will accept a man as short as 5′ 10″. However, most women 5′ 8″ and above, will constantly seek men 6′ and above. They will accept a man slightly below 6′ for a while. But will always be looking for the taller guy.

        Most women confuse these requirements as making a person “partner worthy.” Yet truth be known, regardless of race preferance. 85% of women are all looking for the same guy. 6ft plus, 6 pack abs, brotha type butt, broad shoulders, etc, etc. Focusing on the wrapper, rather than the contents inside the package. That is the only reason this woman has continued to find these type of men. From her owned typed “red flag” words. This woman describes the type of man physically, she has consistently sought out. All while rejecting lesser specimens, because of “lack of chemistry.”
        And if she has sought out fit, macho, six foot plus guys in the past. She, like so many other women failed to realize. 85% of women are looking for the same guy too. And so he really has a lot of options on the side. Whats more, he can behave any way he wishes in the relationship. Because if it doesn’t work out with her? There are 100 others waiting around the corner, for him to choose from.

        Harsh but true. Keep picking the same person and get the same result.

        • Ironically, we agree that I pick the wrong types of men. That was the point of my post. However, my thought process behind my “picks” are quite less shallow than you choose to believe. I was not physically attracted to my ex-husband when we met. He’s far from my “type.” He made me laugh. He won me over with his personality. He was charming and funny. I can say with all honesty that the man is hilarious – great sense of humor and quick-witted. And we were able to talk for hours and hours about anything and everything. Even when things were bad, there were days when he really made me laugh. And days still that we can talk and understand each other.

          The guy that I dated after my divorce was someone that I dated in college. We had grown up together and he knew my family and I knew his. It felt safe at a time that I was feeling very vulnerable and in an unsafe new world. He said all of the right things and I enjoyed hearing them. After leaving a marriage that had turned from one of mutual respect to disdain and criticism, it was refreshing to talk to someone that knew me before my self-esteem had taken so many blows. It was too soon to date, but I was lonely. I felt unlovable and it was nice to be presented with someone that really seemed to want to love me. He had many traits that my ex-husband did not have, like patience and family values. I told myself that the lack of steady employment and other things of that nature were less important than those two traits.

          But unfortunately, the scales seemed to tip to the other side as time went on. I should have paid more attention to the fact that neither of these men were as career-minded or as conservative (spending-wise) as I am. I enjoyed the fact that they seemed carefree, when I am always the responsible, grounded person. I thought, foolishly, that those differences served to balance out our personalities. I ignored the signs that perhaps, they were just using me. (Well, at least the second guy. I won’t say that about my ex-husband because the marriage lasted for so long and I choose to believe that once upon a time, he loved me.)

          I was a bit bruised by your comments at first, BUT I realized that we are on the same page on the topic of choosing men. I suck at it. Although I might not be picking a physical type, I am certainly choosing guys that are my opposite in many ways. We do not have the same goals or same family values. I am swept away because they seem fun and carefree, which is very different from my conservative and responsible day-to-day life.

          Perhaps I did encounter some guys that would have been suitable matches for me. But perhaps it wasn’t the right time. And quite honestly, I don’t date much. I met my ex-husband in college and I’ve been with him ever since. The other guy was the one that I dated for a couple of years right after my divorce. I can’t say that I have ever been on a search or sought out a “type.”

          And perhaps I needed to learn these lessons. Isn’t that what life is about? The biggest lesson that I have learned is that I can make it on my own. I am okay. I am growing stronger.

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