I believe I can fly

The other day, the youngest son said, “What are you gonna do when we go off to college?”

Well, I will probably sell the house and move somewhere and start a new job.  Maybe something that I have never done before.  Kinda like I’m going off to college.  Hey, I might even date.

“Soooo you don’t date right now?”

[In my spare time, you mean?]  No, not right now.  I’m pretty busy.  I like spending time with my friends and family.  There’s plenty of time for dating later.

“Hmmm…you mean it’s okay NOT to date?”

[Choke.] Well, of course it is.  You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.

“Okay, good.  Bambi’s son is always giving me a hard time and asking me who I like.  He says, ‘C’mon, you must like someone.’”  (Bambi is the new victim, I mean, girlfriend of my ex.  Obviously, that’s not her name, but its close enough and it makes me smile, so I’m going with it.)

I took that moment to tell him that there was plenty of time to date when he was ready.  He didn’t have to rush into it at the age of THIRTEEN.  High school would be fun, and college?  Best times of your life.  Hands down.

I guess I’m not surprised by his question.  He rarely sees his dad without the girlfriend in tow.  I am surprised, however, at  the influence of a not-so-existent father.  I pointed out before in the blog that The Ex just re-emerged into their life in March and started exercising his rights of visitation in April.  For months and months before that, he wasn’t around while he worked on this new relationship.  And despite my constant presence and his lack thereof, he still has influence over this child.  He still serves as a role model of sorts.

Can you hear that?  It’s the sound of my HORROR.

Needless to say, its been on my mind ever since.  And lucky for me, I am one of those people who doesn’t stop thinking when I go to sleep.  Anything that I worry about during the day, haunts me in my dreams at night.

Last night was no exception.  I dreamt that my youngest son started shaving while away this month.  By itself, that isn’t a big deal.  He is going through puberty and he will start shaving soon enough.  I taught my oldest son to shave last year.  Due to my lack of face-shaving skills, I taught him with an electric razor.  Truth be told, my oldest is a bit lazy and would choose the easy way anyway.  My youngest son, however, likes to do things the hard way.  He is fascinated with growing up and he is definitely more interested in the shaving cream and razor route.  And that is how he shaved in my dream.

Also not a big deal, but this single event represented so much more.  In the dream, I wasn’t bothered by the act of shaving as much as I was bothered by the loss of the bond with my son.  He was distant, enamored by his father, indifferent to me.

The dream re-emerged throughout the night with different acts other than shaving, but all were related to one thing.  Male milestones. Things that a boy learns from his father.  Things that I can muddle through but can’t fully comprehend the meaning of.  Things that make me feel inadequate.

This is my internal struggle.  I worry about the things my boys will learn from their Alcoholic Father, but I also know that my boys deserve to have a father to learn important things from.  I worry because the person that should rightfully step into that role has become my mortal enemy.  Not by my choice or desire, but by circumstance.  The Ex and I have become so completely different in our beliefs and lifestyles that I fear that bonding with him means they will not bond with me.   And I fear that they will leave me behind, just as he did.

Okay, okay, it looks like I’m still working on the “happy with yourself” part of the equation.  I still struggle with feeling less than or not good enough.  Call it a side effect of being left behind.  I do, however, believe that being happy alone is a key component to finding happiness with someone else.  And hopefully, but the time that my boys leave the nest in a few years, I will be ready to spread my own wings and fly.  Or date, whichever is easier.

Comments

  1. I can give you some pointers on that shaving thing…. Can’t wait to see you with shaving cream on your face and blade in your hand…

    • STUNNING VEY!WB!!Reet julle sal atlyd so gelukkig wees soos julle op die foto’s lyk.Kom maak n draai en wys die res, sekerlik met jou talent nie al fotos nie.Letitiax

  2. I freaked about my son learning to shave only now he never does it until I complain at him! I agree with you about the dating – a lesson I learned too late. Oh well, we do the best we can with the information we have at the time.

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