My dad is a douche.

Out of the mouths of babes.  Or teens.

Yesterday MonoBoy tried to call me a couple of times from his basketball practice.  I was in a meeting and couldn’t get to the phone.  By the time I was able to call him back, my mind had already pictured him in an ambulance with a career-ending injury.  Or possibly that rare strain of the flu that was sure to cause sudden death.  But I’m not an extremist or anything.

Turns out that is was picture day and his coach forgot to tell him and he didn’t have his uniform.  He was able to wear that previously belonged one of the kids that failed, so it all worked out.  (I’m not sure if I mentioned this, but the majority of his team failed.  They are down to six players.  Yep, just one sub.  He gets an incredible amount of play-time, but he’s so sore that he has started taking ice baths.  It makes me shudder just thinking about it.)  He said that there was something else, but he would tell me at home.

Once again, my mind kicked into overdrive.  Somebody was mean to him.  He’s failing Spanish.  Someone stole his shoes out of his locker.  He has news that his brother’s girlfriend is pregnant.  Seriously, what is wrong with me?  Why did I have to get the pessimist gene?

When I finally saw him after practice, he said, “Mom, my coach came and talked to me and I feel sooooo bad.  Coach said, ‘You’re dad doesn’t think I can coach worth a flip, does he?'” Ouch. What did you say?

“No sir, but don’t listen to him.  My dad is a douche.”  You said that?  To your coach?

“Yeah, he laughed, but I told him that I was serious.  Dad makes me mad just about every time I talk to him.”  Did your dad say something to him?

“No, it’s just all of his yelling at the game.  He talks to all of the kids and coaches from the sidelines.”

Of course, he does.  You know why?  He suddenly realized at the end of the season that MonoBoy is NOT going to try out for the baseball team like he wants him to.  He is staying in basketball P.E. because he LOVES basketball.  So Dear Old Dad decided to jump on board the basketball train and become a participant.  Not just a participant, but an unofficial, unauthorized coach in the stands.

He didn’t regularly attend the games before that.  Just a week or so ago, I asked my friend, “Is he especially loud today or am I just particularly annoyed by him today?”  She agreed that he was louder than usual.  Then at a game last week, while MonoBoy was shooting free throws after a foul, his dad was talking to one of his teammates on the court, telling him that he was the leader and that he needed to step up to the plate.  “We can DO this,” he said to the kid that was NOT his son.

I’ve been trying to find an AAU team for MonoBoy to play on when the season ends.  It’s not easy to crack the Dad code when you are a single mom.  My ex has now decided just the team that he should play for.  The other teams are too serious, and besides, he’d rather him be on a team where he knows one of the parents and he has someone to sit with in the stands.  Well, obviously, that’s the best choice then!  Forget coaching styles and competition level!  Let’s make sure that you can be social.

Wait a second.  Maybe that is a good idea.  Perhaps it will keep his focus off of the game and his mouth shut.  So MonoBoy doesn’t have to tell another coach, “My dad is a douche.”


  1. I worked in Little League baseball for a decade–a lot of Dad’s were like that. In fact, we had to expel one Dad from the field and tell him not to come back. Of course, nowadays if a team/coach/school did that, the Dad would sue. I feel bad for the kids and for you–your ex is an embarrassment to you all, but especially himself. Too bad he doesn’t see that.

  2. As a dad who played organized sports as a kid and all the way thru college, and was pretty good at the sports that I played, it is very hard sometimes to stay in control while being in the stands watching your son do his thing. This comes from a dad who is always involved in practices and has common since. The down side for you is you have an Ex, who truly sees at this point his on short comings, that he himself screwed himself by not taking his ownership of his sports skills when he had the chance. As fathers you have to not place your own expectation on your child. That’s the where you guys are! Your dealing with an overbearing dad with a dependence problem on top of the bad attitude. The fact that your sons coach has said something about it means he’s a little out of hand… I’ll I can say is, hope that he gets booted from the stands by the referee or the teams coach! Seriously! I can’t stand these truly over the top parents. And there are times I feel myself reaching that level and you as an adult have to pull back… My son at 6 is really good at basketball and football. I see the NFL and the NBA in his future! Haha, but that’s up to him not me. I’ll push him to be at his best, but in the end it’s up to him to best as good as he wants to be. Hopefully your Ex will figure out that it’s not his life. You can’t live your pro dreams thru your high school age kid. Unless your son shoots like Kevin Durant, handles like Magic, with LeBrons body, then by all means push the hell out of him. But even then it’s your sons life, you just need to be there to be positive and incourage. Intruding into the game and talking to other kids during the game is not good. And your sons coach may need to have a sit down with your Ex about game behavior! Hell, life behavior!!! Good Luck Stronger!

    • If only he was just yelling at his own kid. Sure, we all do that. He actually yells at all of the kids. He literally tells the kids to do the opposite thing that the coach is telling them to do. He calls their name and gets their attention and instructs them. Especially this one kid that he thinks has more talent and is the leader of the team. He was giving him a pep talk while MonoBoy was on the free-throw line, deserving his attention. Coach your kid. Not the team. We aren’t at Little Dribblers anymore. Yell at your kid, but leave the rest up to the coach and the other parents. Or live with the fact that your son calls you a Douche behind your back.
      Can you just call him and give him that advice for me? lol

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