Guess who celebrated a birthday last week?
Oh no, wait, it wasn’t me. If it was me, there would have been more posts about grey hair sightings and wrinkle counts. Plus some crying. It was The Ex. (And I don’t care about his grey hair or wrinkles. In fact, I welcome them.)
Anyway, I decided that the boys should take him out to dinner and spend some time with him for his birthday. I figured that I see my dad twice a year (birthday and Christmas), so they should suffer experience the same. After they were done angrily complaining about giving up part of their weekend, I offered to purchase a gift card to a restaurant of their choosing and asked them what kind of gift that they wanted to give him.
[Insert the sound of crickets chirping.]
“Okay, well let’s think of things that he likes to do. Maybe that will help. What does he like to do?”
Youngest Son: “Drink beer.”
“Forget it. I’m not buying him beer.”
Hmmm…let the brainstorming begin.
Let’s see, last week, when The Ex was at my house, he whined about the loss of the fun things he used to enjoy, like hunting, fishing, and golf. Those things were replaced long ago with drinking, womanizing, and gambling. Nope, no gift ideas there. The loss of those hobbies…and a residence of his own…and potentially his truck (we get him car cleaning stuff for Christmas) make him much harder to shop for. He stated that he never does anything. Just sits around.
[Insert the sound of a tiny violin playing.]
I suggested that we buy him a couple of movies and some snacks to go with those movies. (The good thing about this gift is that he can enjoy it even if the bank does repossess his truck.) The boys agreed and even offered movie suggestions. Score!
I knew that I could get the gift card, movies, and snacks all at HEB while I was doing my normal grocery shopping, and that just seemed like a bonus because I wouldn’t have to make an extra trip for a man who I kinda loathe. While I was there, I passed by a display of baskets already prepared for Valentine’s Day or the Superbowl or I don’t really know what. Some baskets had romantic things and some baskets had party things. One such basket had a 12-pack of beer, chips, queso, salsa, and summer sausage. We have a winner.
I know, I know, it is TERRIBLE to give a known alcoholic this basket. Especially from his children. But I find it so ironic, and I simply love irony. (When it deals with someone other than me.)
I brought it home and my oldest son said, “Is it even legal for us to give him beer?”
“Well, you aren’t going to DRINK it with him, so I think you’re safe.”
And so the boys took their father out for dinner and quality time. His new family had other plans, so the boys got quality ALONE time with their father. They said that it was great! They watched a movie and played video games. They laughed as they told me that their father’s Gamer Tag name is “sup biches.”
“But mom, it isn’t that bad because he spelled it without the ‘t.’” Oh yes, that makes it MUCH better.
They didn’t laugh as they told me about the child support conversation. The what conversation? Why in the world were you talking about that?”
Youngest Son: “Well, Dad saw my new shoes. I told him that I bought them with my own money, but that didn’t stop him.”
Apparently, my ex wanted the boys to know that he pays child support. And as such, he’s actually the one that pays for all of their stuff. So when they get new shoes or we go on a trip to an amusement park, he really paid for it.
Man with one dollar to his name and no financial sense, say what?
Luckily the real world isn’t like the cartoon world, so the kids couldn’t see the steam coming out of my ears. Through gritted teeth, I replied, “Well, it is true that your father pays child support each month and it is very much appreciated. Although it doesn’t cover all of the expenses, it does help. I think that child support is really meant to cover things like shelter, food, and clothing, but we can certainly say that I pay for those things and your dad pays for the extras like fancy shoes and fun trips. I think he would like that better and I’m okay with that.”
What I wanted to say was, “Your father is delusional! He has NO IDEA how much it costs to raise a child. He can’t even figure out how much it costs to take care of himself. If he really thinks that raising TWO children on the amount of child support he pays is viable, then he’s dumber than I thought! I could barely afford Homecoming costs in October with the amount of child support he pays in one month. I guess you guys didn’t need food or anything else that month. And let’s not forget the period of time that he did NOT pay child support. How did you guys eat then? The Food Fairy?”
I mean, what the hell, y’all? I just spent money and forced his kids to spend time with him, and this is how he repays me? Really, a simple thank-you would have been just fine.
Seriously? What is wrong with him?
Yes. This is how he repays your kindness and thoughtfulness.
He is a jerk. A selfish, whiny, bad with money, jerk.
This sounds exactly like what my ex would say…if he only paid child support. The one time he did anything even close to support went like this….
He knocked 50 bucks off my rent one time (he’s also my landlord) and, living in Maine, in the summer, lobster was 2.99 a pound, so one night we had lobster. It was stupid cheap, and that summer we ate so much lobster I was sick of it…all the same, he found out we were dining on lobster, and next thing you know he’s screaming at the kids that THE MONEY I GIVE YOUR MOTHER ISN’T FOR DATE NIGHT WITH HER NEW BOYFRIEND!
Yeah, he’s real stable.
Whenever you post conversations that your ex has with the kids (or you), I think that he must be a relative of my ex. Either that or they both own “Narcissism for Dummies.”
Ok, so I pay spousal support to my deadbeat husband who was and is fully capable of getting a job but since he got laid off and knew he was “entitled” to spousal support through the dumbass laws of my state (add in incompetent domestic relations workers and he gets a good chunk of my pay) so I am guilty of claiming that any thing he buys our son I paid for…but I think this is entirely different for you ex’s argument. If I was giving him money for our kid, I actually know how much it cost, I wouldn’t feel he was making money off me. Mine claims he pays child support too when technically the amount I give him is reduced by child support…again, I find this different. Maybe I am biased…Anyhooo….you are guilty of being way too nice. If he treated you like crap before you got divorced, did you really expect anything better now? I know you probably didn’t but you are just way too nice. Even his kids didn’t want to do anything for him. I suppose you are teaching your boys a lesson in treating people well but you are a much bigger person than I am. My first husband is a jerk, but not a sociopath. After we divorced I said happy birthday, merry x-mas, happy new year etc to him for years, I sent him a father’s day gifts or cards with our daughter, I congratulated him on his new marriage. What did I get? Nothing (he did thank me). I never got a happy birthday, a mother’s day anything, congrats on my marriage or baby (in retrospect, I guess that is ok). While I didn’t “expect” anything, it would be nice of him to acknowledge me. Fact is, when we were married, birthdays were not important to him. Mother’s day was two weeks after our daughter was born but apparently I “was not a mother long enough” to bother…never mind the 6 or 8 inch gash through my abdomen and countless waking hours caring for baby and lack of sleep. This is who he was, this is who he will be and I may stay true to myself and continue to say these things to him, but then again, I may not. His birthday passed this year and I said nothing. Sometimes we continue on the way we are, other times we make adjustments to fit the circumstances. You have to remember you owe him nothing and you will get nothing but grief from him either way. Do it out of the goodness of your heart if you must, but if it really did bug you, rethink it the next time. You could have avoided some of that aggravation if you weren’t so thoughtful. However, I am sure the child support conversation would have happened either way.
I can’t explain why I do it, except to say that it feels like the “right” thing to do. I’m big on that. It kept me from getting a divorce for a long time because I wasn’t sure what was “right.” I don’t expect a thank-you. I mean, let’s face it, he doesn’t even really like me unless he is asking for money. I just felt betrayed by the child support conversation. Makes no sense, I know. We aren’t a team. He can’t really betray me.
I actually do understand that he wants the kids to know that he contributes. Even if he doesn’t see them, he is contributing financially. And truly, I could support myself and the boys if he did not pay child support. (Been there, done that.) They wouldn’t be able to play sports and participate in all of the activities that they enjoy, and buying a car for my son would not be an option. So honestly, his child support DOES provide the extras for what they do. IF you consider the fact that I provide all of the basics.
I cannot imagine paying him spousal support. My ex would do EXACTLY what your ex has done. He would feel entitled to it. I do recognize that I am in the better position, but bust-your-ass is a big factor in that. I do. He doesn’t. I would be livid if I had to support him after I busted my ass to get a degree and build a career and he did nothing. I seriously doubt I would utter a Happy Birthday either.